Being a Good Parent Starts with Being Kind to Yourself

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Putting your kids first is a selfless act of love, but honoring your own needs and self-care is also in their best interests

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I’ve heard it so many times: “good parents put their children first.” And, if you had asked me ten or fifteen years ago, I would have said I absolutely agree.

But here’s the thing. Since becoming a mother, I’ve learned that being a good parent requires happiness, contentedness, and a whole lot of self-care. Yes, putting our kids first is a selfless act of love that shows just how committed we are to giving them everything we think they deserve. But there’s no excuse for thinking that being a good parent means neglecting our own needs and wellbeing.

In truth, what I’ve learned is that our kids need us to be happy and healthy — in short, our best selves. 

So, if you’re ready to get started with being kind to yourself, here’s how I implemented this approach in my life and how you could do it too.

The Art of Self-Compassion

As parents, we’re often too hard on ourselves. And not just when it comes to parenting but everything else as well. When we fail to meet some set of arbitrary standards (that we made up based on our ludicrous idea of what parenting should look like), the results always consist of two elements: stress and self-doubt. And the thing is that when we’re overburdened, overworked, and lacking self-confidence, the first thing that suffers is our relationship with those we love — including our children.

So what can we do in these situations? The best way to overcome these obstacles is to show ourselves some self-compassion.

When we make a mistake or encounter difficulty, the best way to treat ourselves isn’t to be harsh or critical. Instead, we should attempt to treat ourselves like we would a friend going through a similar situation — with sympathy, patience, understanding, and encouragement. (And when our kids do something wrong — which is bound to happen sooner rather than later — it’s a good idea to employ the same kind of approach.)

You’re Only Human

Another thing that I have to constantly remind myself of is that I’m not a superhero.

Yes, my children may look at me like I am. And it’s easy to get carried away and expect ourselves to exhibit superpower-like capability and resilience. But let’s not kid ourselves – most of us are only human.

So if, like me, you need a bit of help being kind to yourself, start with being realistic. Especially when it comes to managing your responsibilities.

It’s okay if you can’t manage to prepare a homemade meal because you were too exhausted or had other things to do. Accept that you don’t always have to be in a good mood for your kids. And you certainly shouldn’t try to constantly juggle hundreds of things — after all, science shows multitasking doesn’t work. And most importantly, remember that trying to do any of these things will only make you exhausted and unfocused.

Ultimately, our children need more than distracted, stressed-out parents. They need us to be present, fresh and happy.

Keep Stress at Bay

Parenting stress is real. And the fact is, stressed-out parents lose their patience quickly. But, as always, losing your patience with the little ones isn’t the worst thing that can happen when you stop taking good care of yourself. 

Prolonged stress exposure comes with a host of consequences. In addition to harming your physical and emotional wellbeing, it can also damage your relationship with your children.

After all, think about how you feel when you see your kids struggle. Most likely, you’re anxious, irritable, and at a loss for what to do. But the pendulum swings both ways. Children who continuously witness their parents in a distraught emotional state often experience stress themselves.

Fortunately, stress management is a habit that all of us can implement in our lives (and benefit from).

For starters, to keep stress at bay, limit your exposure to negative media, thoughts and people. Do your best to focus on the good things. Prioritize restful sleep in a comfortable environment, and enjoy some much-needed cuddling time. And don’t forget to talk about your feelings with someone.

Furthermore, work together with your children to relieve stress they may experience in school and other worries they could have. In the end, stress management is something we learn from our family and peers. So, by helping your kids become better at it, you’re automatically setting them up for a healthier and happier adulthood. 

Employ Relaxation Techniques

Relaxing in a stressful environment is never easy. Especially when dealing with a toddler with frequent tantrums or a teenager in their rebellious phase.

Still, we must do what we can. 

For me, what has worked are breathing exercises (these can be particularly helpful in extremely stressful situations, during anxiety attacks, etc.), stretching, yoga, and guided imagery exercises. (And the occasional lavender-scented bubble bath with a glass of pinot grigio!)

Health Comes First

Another thing we stressed-out parents have to remember is that health comes first.

We pour so much of our energy into making sure the kids are healthy. Our reasoning and instinct tell us to do so. But, if we want to take care of our families, we need to be healthy as well.

This includes opting for a balanced diet, getting rid of bad habits (like late-night snacking on sugary treats or vaping), and being physically active.

Get Some ‘Me’ Time

Getting rest is not just about having a good night’s sleep or going on a (kids-free) mini vacation. Spending some time alone or with an adult who doesn’t cover the floor with dangerous Legos can be just as beneficial for allowing you to de-stress.

And remember, leaving the kids behind from time to time doesn’t mean you are selfish. It means that you are a human being who needs to recover and charge your batteries.

So do your best to find some time for yourself. Me, I like to read a book, watch my favorite TV show, go to the movies, or catch up with some old friends. But I also have friends who wake up at 5 am to get some quiet time and do yoga. So you do you, and remember, prioritizing yourself isn’t a parenting sin. On the contrary, it’s a requirement if you want to start being kind to yourself.

Ask for Help

Finally, as we collectively embark on our journeys to becoming better parents by taking good care of ourselves, it’s worth reminding yourself that we’re just humans. And the truth about humans is that they’re social beings. Our community is built upon helping each other out.

So don’t feel ashamed if you need to ask for help. Be it from your family members, partner, friends, or a therapist. In the end, help can come in many forms — a deep conversation, a bit of cheering up, or just someone keeping an eye on the kids and picking up after their usual “anarchy in the living room” play.

Final Thoughts

If you’re still not convinced that being a good parent starts with being kind to yourself (or you just need reminding from time to time, like I do), think of the prescribed in-flight emergency response procedures on airplanes. They always end the oxygen mask presentation by saying that you are traveling with a child, you have to secure your mask first and then assist your kid. 

In other words, we can’t help our children if we can’t breathe.  So don’t hesitate to prioritize your wellbeing. Yes, it may seem selfish from time to time. But rest assured, it’s anything but.

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