Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Every conflict is a chance to connect. Learn 4 simple communication shifts—describe, request, ask, accept—that turn arguments into understanding
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Conflicts offer an opportunity to enhance a relationship. Conflicts can be the impetus to energize and motivate you to give attention to problems that need to be addressed. On the other hand, conflicts can easily accelerate into a name-calling match when you don’t take time to consider how you will approach the conversation about the conflict. It is so easy to resort to our many defense mechanisms.
It only takes one party to guide the conversation in a positive direction. In any conversation, you are in control of two things—what you put out and how you respond to what you get back. Despite your best efforts, you can’t control what you get back. But you can do “damage control” by enticing the other party to engage in reciprocal and respectful dialogue. Conflict has the potential for a desirable outcome when you are able to establish constructive dialogue that keeps the communication channels open.
You can either express your dissatisfaction in a way that is facilitative and respectful or in a way that is obstructive and disrespectful. Because conflicts are often about what you value, it’s not surprising that conflicts with those you care most about are more frequent, and can be more intense. Conflicts kept bottled up inside, begin to fester, and then resentment can settle in.
When you communicate your wants and needs applying the following four guidelines, you replace the voice of the condemning critic with the voice of theaccepting advocate. This greatly increases your chances of reaching a favorable outcome to the conflict or problem.
1. Describe, don’t label
Offer a nonjudgmental description of the problem or issue, rather than a negative label about the other person. By distinguishing between “the deed and the doer“ you communicate that while you may disapprove of the behavior, you don’t reject the person. When you do this, you replace destructive words with constructive words about what has happened. This avoids assigning a negative character trait (e.g., rude, lazy, mean) which will only evoke a defensive response. A nonjudgmental description of the undesirable behavior, rather than a judgmental statement about a character deficit, is far more likely to solicit a dialogue in which both parties take responsibility for their part in the conflict.
Example, Nonjudgmental description: This is the second time this week you’ve been late.
Example, Negative character label: You’re so inconsiderate.
2. Request, don’t demand
When you make a request, it sets the tone for cooperation. Making a request is also a way to de-escalate when temperatures start to rise. Whereas a demand for behavior change is a sure way to put the other person on the defensive. One simple way to make a request is by stating what you do want, rather than what you don’t want.
Example, Request: Please lower your voice.
Example, Demand: Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice.
3. Ask, don’t tell
Shifting your stance from one of telling to one of asking is more likely to get a positive response. Replace reprimands and criticisms with inviting questions. Such questions establish a sense of shared responsibility and engage the other person as a willing partner.
Questions that begin with what, when, where, how, or is, invite cooperation and encourage self-reflection to take responsibility for one’s own actions.
Example, Asking: What’s one thing you’re willing to do to help out?
Example, Telling: You never help me around the house.
However, there’s a caveat. Don’t ask why questions. The word “why” establishes a mindset of disapproval. It hints at criticism. The implicit assumption with the why question is that the person should have acted differently. It frequently pushes others into justifying or rationalizing mode. Why questions are often character assassinations in disguise, just another form of criticism. For this reason, they often trigger anger.
Examples, Why questions: Why can’t you…? Why are you…? Why do you have to…?
4. Accept, don’t blame
Refrain from attributing blame, whether implied or explicit. Meaningful communication often breaks down because one or both parties continually tell the other what’s wrong with him or her. These messages serve to block further productive communication and move it to confrontation, a battle of attack and counterattack.
Example, Accepting response: I understand you didn’t realize the impact.
Example, Blaming response: You should have known better.
When you communicate following these guidelines, you show you are willing to move away from clinging to your point of view, needing to be right, and trying to persuade the other person to get your way. If you can let go of your agenda, then you can move toward trying to understand the problem from the other person’s perspective. When you can establish mutual understanding, not necessarily agreement, you create a spirit of cooperation rather than competition.
By shifting from labeling to describing, demanding to requesting, telling to asking, and blaming to accepting — it is possible to move together going forward to figure out an amicable way toward resolution.
You may also enjoy reading How to Handle Difficult Conversations: 3 Strategies for More Effective Communication, by Sara Fabian.
