How two people live, love and flourish by constantly asking “what can we create together?”
For Brendon and me, relationship is not about growing old together or fulfilling each other’s idea of the perfect partner.
The reason for being in a relationship with somebody is so that you create at least 20 times more in the world than you would create alone.
Creation is endless. In creation, there is no definition; there is no limitation.
Brendon and I are building a house together, and like everything we are creating, it is not based on the necessity of having a roof above our heads.
Peregian Beach, where I live, has one of the most beautiful beaches in Queensland. Whenever I am at home I like to go jogging in the neighborhood. There are about four blocks of land that I run past that I have always said I would buy, if they ever come up for sale. Well, one of them did. At the time we didn’t have money sitting around to buy a block of land on the beach.
What I have noticed is that if either of us truly desires something, we don’t stop the other person. Rather, we look at what we can contribute to make that happen for them.
When I told Brendon how I really wanted to buy this block of land on the beach, amazing man that he is, he started looking at what we would need to do and who we would need to talk to so that it became a reality.
We started with a build that matched the parameters of what we could ‘afford.’ Then we looked at what we would actually like to create on that beautiful block of land. I didn’t want to build an ‘affordable’ house. It is like having a beautiful blank canvas and only using two colors to paint. No, I desire to paint with all the colors in my palette so I said to Brendon, “Why can’t we ask for what we really want?”
He replied, “Good point.”
When we started meeting with architects and looking at what we would like to create, of course, the costs doubled. Yet we didn’t slow ourselves down or stop in order to match what this reality projects at you if you ask for something that is considered too much. I want marble floors, a wine cellar, a gym… it will be an epic house and I am not having anything less.
It does take work though. We met with a few mortgage brokers and spoke to different people. Throughout this whole process we keep asking ourselves: ‘What do we need to be to have this physically actualize and be our reality of what we would like to create?’
Instead of buying into any so-called ‘problems’ we are willing to change whatever we must change to create greater possibilities.
I see so many people give up and stop when they see a problem rather than take two, three, or more steps to create what they actually desire.
Brendon and I will talk about all the things we are creating together, yet it is not done from the expectation of being together forever. That may seem counter-intuitive and it is also one of the greatest gifts in our relationship.
We wake up every morning and ask: “What can we create together?”
Often, people will look at our relationship and say, “I wish I could create more with my partner like Brendon and you do.”
I invariably ask them, “What have you defined as creation?”
Creation is not about always doing everything together.
Whenever I am at home, I am really happy to go to the local farmers’ markets at 5:00 am and buy beautiful fresh produce. Most of the time Brendon is the one who cooks it. Although every now and then he will come to the markets with me, I never expect him to do so. He loves to sleep in.
People often misidentify that creating together means we both must get up and go to the markets together; we both must cook a meal together. That is not creation as contribution and contribution as creation.
Creation is the willingness to contribute your capacities to create something greater and create more ease in your lives.
If Brendon travels overseas and I stay at home, we are still creating together. Creation is this continuous contribution to each other. If you are not always in the creative energy of a relationship, you will get bored.
One of the tools that I use every single day is to destroy and uncreate my relationship with Brendon. When you ask to destroy and uncreate your relationship, what you are doing is destroying every point of view you created about that person. Every limitation, every conclusion, every feeling you have about that person and your relationship, what you think it should be and what you have decided it should be: destroy and uncreate it all. There is a level of vulnerability with this; you are totally untethered from the past. What I aim for is to wake up every morning with the sense of, how did I get so lucky to have Brendon in my life?
A relationship just doesn’t happen. You get to create it fresh every day.
Every day, Simone and I both look at, ‘What now? What is next? Who the hell am I today and what am I going to create?’ We don’t look at who we were yesterday or what we did in the past. It is the total exuberance of…
“I am alive today. What do I wish to create with this person? What do I wish to create in this relationship?” and even, “Do we still wish to be together today?”
When two people get together, usually they, their friends and family all expect them to stay together and live out their lives in a certain pattern. There is a certain order to relationships in this reality. We know it well because people often project at us the view that: ‘Well, now you have your house, you have your dog, you have got your child… This is it. This is the finale. It is time to get the matching rocking chairs.’
In the past eight years, not once have Simone and I looked at our relationship as a long-term thing or thought that we will grow old together. Both of us knew that having such an expectation would drive the other one away.
We desire to create a relationship that goes beyond any definitions and limitations.
We function from the fluidity of constantly asking: “Is this what we desire today?”
If the answer is “yes,” the next question is: “What can we create together?”
This is very different to how most people learn to function in relationship. I see a lot of people using projections and expectations with their partners. It might be that the man needs to earn x amount of money or the woman needs to cook dinner four nights a week. I was talking to a lady recently who said she had asked her husband to make dinner and when he didn’t, she became very angry with him.
I said, “Okay, tell me how you asked him.”
She said, “I emailed him and I said, ‘I am running late so you need to make dinner.’”
That is not asking someone for help. How is sending an email to your partner saying, “I am running late and I need you to make dinner,” delivered with so much energy, a question? It isn’t.
These are some of the ways that we try and control our relationships. What if you started looking at being a contribution to each other instead?
Every single day destroy and uncreate your relationship with your partner. What occurs is that you will destroy every point of view, every limitation, every conclusion and every feeling you have about them and your relationship. That is how you become untethered from the past and create your relationship as a fresh choice every day.
This article is an adapted excerpt from Simone Milasas’ book, Relationship, Are You Sure Want One?
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