Trading Self-Doubt for Self-Worth
Wayne Dyer’s passing denotes the end of an era for me. I not only revered and respected Wayne as an author and teacher, I loved Wayne as man and as my friend. For the dozen years I worked closely with him, producing his events and traveling around the world with him, he was a significant landmark in my life.
If you’ve read my book Jump… And Your Life Will Appear, then you know my crazy story of flying from Detroit to Atlanta and back to retrieve his lost briefcase and how it illustrates the way I would have done nearly anything for that man ,and with complete delight. I also shared this during Hay House’s Tribute to Wayne Dyer held in Orlando last month.
I used to take great pride in my super-human people-pleasing skills, and the acts of service I performed for Wayne far outweighed what I did for anyone else. I was always up for a challenge, and he was so appreciative that I willingly put him in charge as my governing body, doling out the gold stars, accolades, and external validation I believed proved my worthiness.
Even after I left my Hay House Event Director position last year, he was still calling me with questions related to my previous duties. And, because it was Wayne, I’d give him the help he needed.
Old habits really do die hard.
On the Thursday following his death, his family held a “Celebration of Life” for him in South Florida. Maya, Wayne’s assistant and close friend for nearly 40 years who is like a second mother to me, really wanted me to come and I really wanted to be there to support her. However, I was feeling resistant to going. I knew that I’d be part of the Hay House tribute and that felt more resonant to me. And yet I didn’t want Maya to feel abandoned and alone.
I went back and forth in my mind, from “It’s going to be three flights each way and a lot of money and there aren’t any mileage tickets…” to “It’s Wayne and Maya for God’s sake, none of that matters, I have to go!” Ultimately, knowing that Reid would be there — Reid Tracy, Hay House President and very close friend of both Wayne and Maya — I made the difficult decision not to go since they’d have each other, and that felt right.
And then I woke up on Thursday morning, the day of the celebration, at 3:20am in a panic, regretting my decision. I immediately grabbed my phone to look for flights that could get me there in time but, short of a private plane, it was impossible.
A few hours later my dear friend, the intuitive medium Colette Baron-Reid, called me and the first thing she said was, “Don’t worry about not going to Florida.”
I burst into tears.
We’d had a bit of texting and a quick call since Wayne died but not about the family celebration. I told her I’d been up since before dawn agonizing over not going. She said she knew. She told me that while driving that morning she received a message to call me and tell me that Wayne loves me and knows I love him and that I don’t have to do things like that anymore. No more heroic efforts. No more proving myself. And that for me, a part of Wayne’s passing was to really integrate this knowing.
It’s as if Wayne said, “I still see you. This part of you doesn’t need to exist anymore. Make room for what’s coming.”
A friend was telling me how much she loved the tribute, how she felt Wayne’s presence in all of us, and how gracefully I spoke. I shared that I felt something shift in me on stage that night and the next day during my workshop as well. “I feel like I turned a corner in my speaking,” I told her. “Wayne pulled you around the corner,” she said. Chills ensued.
And now I’m over here, finding myself in familiar situations, and my initial instinct is to respond the way I used to out of habit, even though everything has changed. So it’s about making one different choice in the space between impact and reaction. Or as Viktor Frankl said much more eloquently, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
I am now my own governing body, doling out freedom. I believe the new Super Woman prioritizes herself while being true to her inner yes and no, without second guessing herself. She has traded self-doubt for self-worth and is in acceptance of right where she is, with clear knowledge that abandoning herself for the sake of another is no longer a badge of honor, or even an option.
Even in death, Wayne is still teaching, and I’m integrating those deeper lessons about life… and myself.
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