Self-love is the key to true emotional and physical healing
Have you ever wondered why some people succeed at healing and others don’t? Do you worry that your body is going to break down and turn against you? When it comes to your health, do you believe that you have control or are you destined to just take your chances with a spin of the terminal-illness roulette wheel?
These questions have been the driving force of my adult life and have allowed me to connect with the ultimate source of all healing: the mystical, spiritual divine energy in our hearts where the healing of physical pain and illness occurs.
When it comes to healing yourself, what I’ve come to know for sure is that there is a difference between trying to think and affirm your way out of pain and illness and connecting straight to the Divine Source. There is a way to align your heart, your body, and your soul with deep truth, healing, and love. In this space, there is nothing you need to do to heal yourself. No chakras to fix, no reiki to do, just the ability to allow God to fill every cell of your being with more of itself — with pure love.
For years I struggled with this truth. I would go back and forth between loving God and hating God. Loving how divine I felt when I allowed myself to receive love and then hating God for keeping me addicted to this flow of divinity. I struggled with my ”one-ness” as I took refuge in my divinity closet. I was afraid to let anyone know that I was wholeheartedly consumed and in love with God. Not the God of churches and religion, but the God within myself — the holy spirit — an essence that permeated every single aspect of life and every moment of my day.
Accepting the role of God in my life has been a journey filled with confusion, bargaining, and fear — as well as amazing opportunities.
Early on, I gave lectures and workshops advertised as Ayurveda wellness. I ran a wellness center and led writing and healing sessions. From time to time, God would attempt to implant his healing wisdom through me, into the people who came to me. But people hadn’t come for that. They didn’t come to me for wisdom. People just wanted a ”healthier pill.”
I felt trapped. In the safe hidden spaces of my soul I knew I could let the voice of love out and relish in the peace I felt in the stillness. But most of the time I hid my truth from the rest of the world. When I left the private, safe comfort of my meditation space I felt like I had to be a different person out in the world. I could not find the words to explain what I felt, saw, and heard because I was convinced people would think I was crazy. So I kept my spiritual life a secret.
I remembered being judged by a colleague several years back. At the time, I wanted desperately to fit in, to be like everyone else. I was so anxious to be in control and to achieve in the eyes of the outside world that I was willing to go against my self and my inner wisdom. God was offering me undying love, light, and acceptance — release from every anger, fear, and resentment I had created in my mind and body — but I chose to hide this gift from the world. That, my friends, is the kind of choice that creates pain and illness in your body. That is a decision that leads to addictions in order to hide, muffle, and repress what we know to be true within ourselves and the rest of the world.
So there I was, carrying my secret in a gathering of my ”healing touch” friends — a small group of women who got together periodically to support each another as we pursued our healing touch studies. One of the women whom I hadn’t seen in almost two years was seated next to me at the table. She looked down at my arm and saw a yellow bracelet adorning my wrist. I had purchased several of them from a scholarship fundraiser in honor of one of my fellow Unity prayer chaplains who had passed away. I had saved one as a healing reminder for myself that said:
“The Kingdom of God Is Within – Luke 17:21.” My friend touched my bracelet and said, “What? Are you all religious now?”
I was crushed; my heart was broken. I felt so judged and so misunderstood. I decided in that moment to deny my love affair with the divine in the hope that it would help me fit in, so I replied, “Oh, no…it’s just a fundraiser for a friend that died of cancer.” Like Judas, I publicly and completely denied my truth.
It would be 10 more years that I lived in denial. In private, I would honor my love of God and spirit in my heart and soul; in public, I would live separated from my truth. Looking back, I can see the silly irony in this… I wanted to be unhappy, to be stressed and scared and worried… that was what my mother had taught me was normal. Don’t make waves. It‘s better to just fit in.
During this period of separation, I experienced the physical manifestation of this unhappiness through a stiff, tight neck and shoulders and a constant feeling of tension in my left side. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, put into a wheelchair, and told by my doctors that I wouldn’t walk again. Today I walk pain free.
For years, people have asked me how I got out of my wheelchair. What medicine did I take, what therapy did I follow? I kept asking myself, “How do I tell people that what healed me was love, what healed me was God”?
It’s too easy. Or is it too hard? They want medicine. They want the answer to be outside themselves — outside of their control. How do I tell people that aligning with divinity is what healed my physical body?
I realize now that despite medical terminology, I was not experiencing a true physical illness. My pain had become an energetic pattern, a way of holding my body in order to stay in a state of resistance. This is how we create illness. When it becomes too painful to resist any longer, eventually we have to choose. This is the free will that everyone talks about.
True free will is not about whom you choose to marry, what career path you take, or what country you choose to live in. It’s whether or not you choose to say yes to your divinity.
Ultimately, I chose love. I chose to allow myself to be a vessel and reflection for the divine in all its forms. I allowed the divine mystic in me to take center stage. I allowed the light of my calling to shine so that others could see that reflection for themselves and create their own safe haven for healing. That choice created a shift in the consciousness of every cell in my body. As I allowed my body to align with the consciousness of God, of creation and creator, I no longer embraced illness or disease… only love.
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