Letting Others In: The First Step in Getting Help with Addiction

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

Nothing about addiction is easy, but the first step to recovery is coming out of hiding and being willing to receive help

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[The following essay is an Excerpt from The Fix Your Addiction Handbook, by Faust Ruggiero, M.S., reproduced with permission.]

“It is where arrogance and humility trade, and the willingness to embrace the wisdom of those who know the way is born.“

Addiction is all too often a secretive way of life. Addicts are very slow to admit that there could be a problem with a substance or another activity. Family members, who are often embarrassed and afraid of what might happen if they disclose what is occurring, can become addiction coconspirators. They hide what the addict is doing and also what it is doing to them. This creates fertile ground for the addiction to grow and makes it difficult for others who are willing to help.

It is so important to let others in to help. It is difficult to make decisions that are in the best interest of both the addict and family members when everyone is continuously caught up in the downward spiral that addiction creates and everyone is hiding what is happening. An addiction can change everything about the way a family operates. Relationships suffer, there is often significant financial loss, communication is typically avoided, and in some cases, abuse and physical harm are a distinct possibility.

It is embarrassing to let others know what is happening because they will also know that the mask you have been wearing for so long is hiding the fact that you are a member of one of those families where an addict lives, and things are far from perfect. We all like others to believe we are doing well and happy. We fear becoming the focal point of gossip, and we fear that others will look down on us. No one likes to be thought of as that family down the street with a dirty little secret. Though this may not be what will happen, it is very easy for our minds to create that scenario.

Out of the Closet

At least in the short run, keeping secrets keeps others from knowing who we are and what is happening in our lives. If we are successful secret keepers, we avoid the embarrassment of having others know that our families have severe problems. It keeps us from feeling vulnerable and, in some cases, at the mercy of unsympathetic and ruthless people. It allows us to navigate in a world that can be cruel and unforgiving without surrendering the more intimate details of our lives. It protects us and reduces the potential impact of vicious attacks from other people.

The unfortunate side effect of keeping secrets is that we remain prisoners behind the masks we create. We must be constantly on guard and ready to fend off potential assaults, and we can live in a state of emotional paranoia, doing everything we can to keep others from understanding who we are and what we are experiencing. Staying in the addiction closet is an admission that we don’t measure up to other people we think are living lives that are happier and more together than ours. When we are hiding an addiction, we are hiding who we are, either as the addict or as the family member who is experiencing part of the addiction. Whether you are an addict or a family member, no one wants this secret to become common knowledge.

If you are going to get help to stop the damage the addiction is doing, then you are going to have to come out of the addiction closet and stop protecting the secret that continues to nurture this horrible way of living.

There will be an uncomfortable period in the early stages of recovery. So, people are going to learn that you are either addicted or that you are living with an addict. That may not feel good initially, but the goal is to stop the addiction and get healthy. What others say does not matter. Would you rather protect your secret and continue to live a life of pain at the hands of the addiction, or are you willing to step out from behind the shadows, get the help you need, and begin to live a happy and healthy life?

You are not going to broadcast the fact that you are either addicted or that you are living with an addict. You are not going to tell the world every horrible little detail about what you have been living with. You are simply going to ask other people for help, which, by definition, breaks the veil of secrecy and puts you in a position to move past the addiction. Others may find out that you are doing this, but the truth of the matter is that addiction is hard to keep under wraps forever. Sooner or later, they will find out something. It makes far more sense to have them find out that you were living with an addiction and that you had the courage to take the necessary steps to address the problem. Once again, it is not about what anyone else thinks. It is about you getting help for a serious life-threatening problem.

Taking the First Steps

The hardest part of addressing any problem is to know what to do first and how to do it. You start by deciding to get help. Nothing happens until you make that decision. When you do, there is no turning back. You must decide that this is what you are going to do, that nothing is going to stop you, and that you are not going to second guess yourself or find reasons to either put off the decision or negotiate your way into a process that keeps you comfortable and not fully committed to what you need to do.

Having decided to get help for the addiction, the steps you need to start your recovery process are:

Make an appointment with your primary care physician to determine if any physical concerns must be addressed.
Decide whom you will ask for help, make an initial appointment with that person, or attend your first support meeting.
Present as much information as possible to those who will help you.
Be willing to attend your second counseling session or support meeting.
To be willing to take the advice of people you are asking to help you are giving.

I will expand on each of these steps to help you more clearly understand the process involved. Initially, since this is unknown territory for you, taking your first steps can be difficult. It can be an emotional time for you, so it’s a little easier if you understand precisely how to proceed as you take your first steps.

Make an appointment with your primary care physician to determine if any physical concerns need to be addressed––Since trying to decide whom to call to start your recovery program can be intimidating, start with your primary care physician. Make an appointment with this person, and present them with as much information about what is happening as possible. This should include the type of addiction you are dealing with, how long it has been happening, any physical problems that have developed, and your family history, particularly as it relates to addiction. Your primary care physician will ask you many questions about what is occurring and often has a list of addiction specialists, rehabilitation centers, support programs, and other professionals who can help you start the process.
Decide whom you will ask for help––If your primary care physician gives you an initial contact person, call that person. That person might be a professional counselor, a 12-step program contact, or another professional with an addiction background. Make an appointment for an initial consultation, or be willing to attend one support meeting on a trial basis. Taking this step helps you in two ways: (a) it helps you make the first step to take the problem out of the family and into the hands of a professional or support person, and (a) it gives you a direction that includes other people to help you, and more of the relevant information you need to understand the addiction and how to move past it.
Present as much information as possible to those who will help you––This will help them formulate a program that meets your needs. Anyone’s ability to help you depends on how much accurate information you give them. You don’t have to have all the answers. You have to be willing to answer questions honestly and provide the facts you need, so they may understand what you have been living with and the initial steps you can take to begin the recovery process.
Be willing to attend either your second counseling session or your second support meeting––Even though you have taken the right steps to secure those people who are going to help you in the initial stages of the recovery program, once you are there, it will still be new territory, and it can be a bit intimidating. It is very easy to turn away at this point and try to convince yourself that you didn’t get much out of it, it’s not for you, or make some other excuse not to go. Remember, even moving in the right direction, including a program that can save your life and help make it a happy place to live, can be uncomfortable. It is stepping out of what you considered a comfort zone and into an unknown way to live with new people you don’t know yet. Tell them if you are having a difficult time, and let them gently guide you as you progress in the program.
Be willing to take the advice of people whom you are asking to help you are giving–– Getting help for addiction has all the classic approach-avoidance feelings that cause us to run away from what we are trying to do. The advice here is to slow down and keep your emotions from overriding what your brain tells you to do. Be willing to trust these people enough to continue to get to know them and to understand what they are telling you to do. No one is expecting you to understand the information immediately. There are no tests to determine if you do. You are attempting to step out of an addictive way of life and into a recovery program that can have tremendous positive effects on your life. Try to relax as much as you can, confide in these people, and let them guide you through the program.

Room to Breathe

Living with an addiction can be a stifling experience. Sometimes, it’s difficult to catch your breath. In its mildest cases, it could be a loss of finances, verbal arguments, compromised family time, and priorities that are left unaddressed. In the more serious cases, it could be loss of homes, health, severe cases of abuse, and death. Addiction does not discriminate; it has no boundaries, and it respects no one. Addicts are often caught in an obsessive-compulsive disorder that can destroy their lives and have a severe impact on those close to them. Family members never know precisely what to expect, are always prepared for the worst, and are often exhausted by the emotional tug-of-war that defines their lives. Just having a moment to catch one’s breath is a Godsend.

Addicts and family members alike pray for an end to this vicious cycle and say they are willing to do anything to make it stop. However, when the time comes to follow through and pursue a course of recovery that includes people to help them through the process, they can struggle. For those who are willing to stretch beyond the clutches of the addiction and reach out to others who have experience with addiction or have expertise in an area that can guide them into the beginnings of a recovery process, they can finally catch their breath knowing that they don’t have to do this alone, and that others are there any time they need help.

Asking for help can be difficult for two reasons:

It demands that you surrender control part of your life to someone you do not yet know.
It demands that you trust someone who knows how to help you but who you do not yet have a history with.

Keep this in mind. As you take these initial steps into the recovery process, you have decided to remove yourself from a life that was often suffocating, abusive, and unrelenting. You are making this decision because you understand that if you continue to stay in the clutches of the addiction, you will remain unhappy, abused, and emotionally exhausted. Allowing other people to help you can set the stage for a life that can be significantly more productive, happier, and more peaceful. To make this happen, however, you need to take the initial steps to gain a better understanding of addiction and the treatment alternatives that are available to you.

The willingness to let others help is the initial step you need to begin your recovery from the clutches of the addiction.

Many people, knowing that they must do something to stop the damage the addiction is doing and to take control of their lives, never decide to get help. The decisions are the necessary first steps, but the follow-through is equally important. Decide to do what it takes to restore order and sanity to your life. Be willing to let others in and accept the advice and assistance they are willing to provide. If you do, your journey into a life of recovery from what the addiction is causing can finally begin.

Nothing about addiction is easy, and no one says recovery will be. On the other hand, you will be dedicating yourself to a program with a solid and positive forward progression, with people with the experience and expertise to help you open new doors that can lead to the happiness that is waiting for you. Make the decisions, follow through, and begin what can become the best part of your life.

You may also enjoy reading Taking The Hand of The Unknown: A Journey From Addiction to Intuition, by Amelia Stuart.