Breaking Up with Balance: Busting the Work-Life Myth for Women

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

High achieving women often fall into the trap of seeking an ever-elusive balance, but that can be a straight path to burnout and resentment

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Anytime I’m on a panel or speaking or in session with my highly ambitious, successful female coaching clients there comes a point when we talk about balance. On panels and in workshops, I’m always asked, how do you balance everything? What’s the secret to balancing it all?

I so understand the desire of the questioner to know what she’s missing. And when I stop and reflect on that question, underneath is the notion that that’s what success looks like for women. That, balance and doing it all means we’re worthy and that we’ve been able to unlock this mystery that’s pervasive and elusive at the same time.

In my experience, it’s the one consistent question that gets asked all the time of women. And, if you haven’t asked it, you’re wondering and or thought about it off and on. And, you may feel that you’re missing the balance hack, you may even feel ashamed for not being able to balance it all.

When you’re a woman, whether you’re a mom or not, it seems that guilt, shame and exhaustion are the pillars of our life.

Balance somehow became ingrained in our psyche as the way to move through this world. The image of a woman having a thriving career, asking for the big projects, getting that promotion and managing a team with aplomb and then going home to make dinner for her family or partner, and then find time to work out and hydrate and read a book while we’re at it to keep our minds sharp and worldly all the while keeping up our homes and our social lives, too.

I bought into that storyline, too. It got me hook, line and sinker very early on. In my career, I climbed as high as I could with the big corner office, managing a large team, doing the strategic thinking, delegating, growing my employees and being a mentor to others to boot! Then, I’d go home to coach my daughter’s soccer team, while later making dinner for the family and then getting back onto the computer to grind it out and ‘be on’ from 7pm until I fell exhausted into bed at around midnight — completely ignoring my partner.

That’s what my week looked like and, on the weekends, it was just as packed and on the go with my 3 kids who at that time of my life were all under 5. YES! I was on that elusive balance track, grinding my way through the days, dealing with a rough postpartum depression that I didn’t really want to acknowledge and was just glad to somehow be on the other side of. I was definitely burning the candle on both ends really really HOT. Until it combusted. My body told me … well, it yelled at me that it was too exhausted to move and that I needed to stop. I remember a picture that was captured of me, fast asleep — sitting UP mind you, with my 3 littles flanked around me.

Breaking up with the chase for balance and the notion of balancing it all as success has been the best strategy for living a life that feels more aligned and much more authentic to me. Now, when I’m asked that question on panels and in speaking events, I say, we all need to text balance that we’re breaking up and there’s no going back!

So, how do we break this endless cycle?

It starts with giving ourselves permission. Yes. Give yourself permission to get curious about other possibilities and other ways of living that feel more aligned with you. Anything we aim to do differently requires the first step of self-awareness — and a mindset of curiosity is that unlock that helps you understand yourself better.

Ask yourself:

1. What are my values? Identifying your values helps you clearly see what your priorities are and if you’ve been making decisions according to that or not. (And by the way, I have a handout on my website that can help you identify your values.)
2. After you’ve identified your top 1-3 values, then identify what season of life you’re in. Are you early career, which can look different from mid and later career? Are you in a big transition where perhaps your kids are moving out to go to college? Are you out of college and just embarking on a career or are you in your 2nd or 3rd phase of a life transition that allows for more flexibility in ways you didn’t have before?
3. One you’ve identified your values and your season of life, put down all the ‘shoulds’.  What actions and activities are you saying ‘yes’ too from a mindset of “should” versus one that’s in honor of your values and season of life? That could mean you opt out of the happy hour with your friends or networking event.
4. Make decisions and say ‘yes’ to what lines up with your values, priorities and season of life! And start saying ‘no’ more often. This last part will require a lot of compassion for yourself. High achieving women have atrophied their muscle/ability to say no, but that’s ok…just begin and see how freeing it can be.

For this season of my life in which my kids are older, I have much more flexibility and can say yes more to work engagements, and I’m speaking more than I did in the past when they were little and I wanted to be home with them.

Ensuring that we stay authentic to our definition of success is a journey and constant practice. And, giving yourself a lot of grace and compassion in getting off the balance treadmill is a practice so worth doing.

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You may also enjoy reading Better Boundaries, Better Balance: 5 Tips for Prioritizing YOU, by Sweta Vikram.