What Your Life Partner Relationship Can Teach You About Yourself

Allowing your life partner to open the windows to your soul

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Have you ever felt insecure and alone in your marriage — even if your spouse is sitting right next to you, affirming all of your wonderful qualities, trying to find ways to love and support you?

I have experienced this several times in the course of my marriage. I have felt deeply alone and abandoned with no reasons for the feeling. When I get to this place, I feel my protective walls go up, fortified with a moat and several sharp shooters ready to take aim at anyone who attempts to approach me. I go on the defensive and I blame my spouse. I’ll find anything to attack, whether it is too many dishes in the sink, his tone of voice, or even the way he breathes. I’ll do whatever it takes not to be seen, for my walls to stay secure so no one, including him, has to see what I’m trying to hide.

In my futile attempts, I am trying to hide myself — my vulnerabilities — and those areas of shame and guilt that haunt me from childhood and adolescence.

As he affirms his love for me over and over again, I have the realization that I’m not only hiding from him; I’m hiding from myself. This automatic coping strategy of deflecting and making my issues about him and his vices has absolutely nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

I often tell my coaching clients that their partners are the best mirrors. We are accustomed to having a love-hate relationship with mirrors. We tend to be hypercritical of the image before us as we pay attention to the size of our bodies, the length and color of our hair, or how our clothes look on us.

Your partner’s mirror reflects back to you something entirely different. There is a reason why you aligned yourself with your past or present significant other, whether it was looks, personality, or a shared passions. No matter the reason, you were brought together to receive the most experiential learning plan of your life.

If you are open to the lesson, your mate can open the windows to your soul and shine light into your dark places.

Your journey together can be one of personal discovery as you come out of hiding and release all that you deem horrible, crude, ugly, or disgraceful.

When your lover holds the mirror in front of you, there are two typical responses. One is to go on the attack. This can cause both of you to go on the defensive and become more isolated. But there is a second option, one in which you can take a moment to be present and really ask yourself what is being revealed about yourself. This option allows for a deeper connection as you give permission to be unguarded, unafraid, and completely free of the need to fight against your authentic self. This is the beginning of pure intimacy created in a space of safety, compassion, and most of all, love.

Here are a few suggestions for creating space to hold and experience the power of this beautiful reflection within you:

1. Make sure that you are looking in your mirror, not your partner’s mirror
   In Loving What Is, Byron Katie teaches that we are typically in other’s business, i.e. your partner’s, or God’s business. The causes of distress are when we are meddling in the affairs of others and not tending to our own garden. As you feel yourself becoming distressed by something that your perceive your mate has done to hurt, bother, or frustrate you, try turning those feelings within. Ask yourself why are those feelings coming up. Are they really about your partner not being as attentive as you would like, or maybe it is that you aren’t giving yourself the attention that you need? This place of introspection allows you to really gaze at the image your partner is holding before you and see the reality of your true feelings. This allows you to really see into your soul and into your partner with more clarity and grace.
2. When talking doesn’t work, try writing instead
   Have you ever had a moment where you just couldn’t get your thoughts across in a meaningful way? It’s even harder when your upset and frazzled. If you find it difficult to communicate verbally, it might be helpful to get in front of your computer or use a pen and paper to reveal what’s in you heart. Writing allows us to detach from the negative emotional charges and have a cathartic experience of reflecting our true feelings on the page. This method provides another mirror to see your true reflection and the honest intentions of your partner, as they are able to hold your words and take them in for as long as needed. There is a reason love letters are so popular (at least they were) because they provided the couple an unending window into the soul of their mate. Take your time and express your true self. It is well worth it.
3. Let the good outweigh the bad
   Are the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ used extensively when talking to your partner? Is she always inconsiderate of your feelings? Does he never listen to your advice? When you find yourself using these gross generalizations, it is beneficial to take a pause because ‘always’ and ‘never’ are a good indication that you are looking in the wrong mirror. Make an attempt to counter the negative with a positive. Instead of getting upset at him for not taking out the trash, think about the many times he has done it, or mowed the lawn, or cooked dinner because he knew you would have a late night at work. For every negative thought that enters your mind, try countering it with a thought that makes you smile. As your partner holds the mirror for you, a optimistic viewpoint will reflect back all the ways that you are loved.

The mirrors that are placed in front of us are not meant to intimidate us. They serve a sacred purpose, an invitation to reveal our true self, flaws and all, to our partner. It’s an amazing sense of freedom to completely take off your mask and be wholly seen for the first time. This is true love in the making, and it is what will forge the bond of a lifelong relationship that can stand the test of time.

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You may also enjoy reading Conscious Loving | Bringing Awareness To Create Rewarding Relationships by David Maestas