A Full Restore: 5 Ways to Realign When We’re Out of Whack

Letting go of rigidity and embracing your body’s and mind’s own agenda and flow creates more joy and peace. Here are 5 ways to realign

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And the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles, no matter how long, but only by a spiritual journey, a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling and joyful, by which we arrive at the ground at our own feet, and learn to be at home.

― Wendell Berry

As we prepare to click the calendar to a new year, I’m reflecting upon several significant changes I’ve made over the past several months. The conscious choices I’ve made, and continue to make, in order to realign whatever is out of whack inside me. All the ways in which I self-regulate and return to center, rather than reacting to chaos or seeking peace outside of me.

Taking time now to notice and acknowledge the integral implementations that have allowed me to stop abandoning myself and “stay home,” even when it’s been most challenging. I want to share a few foundations with you.

Sleep and move — on your own terms

Last Friday I had a surprise overnight getaway with my man. On Saturday morning I woke naturally, as usual — anywhere between 5am and 6am is fair game for me — but unexpectedly, there was no possible way I could get out of bed. I was bone-tired, and instead of poking, prodding and guilting myself with ‘shoulds’, I settled back in and allowed sleep to take me. Two hours later, completely rested and refreshed, I was ready to greet the day of adventure awaiting.

I’ve always been a “morning person” and absolutely love the early moments I get to myself, before time starts gunning for a marathon finish. I’ve also spent most of my life as a highly responsible over-achiever and people-pleaser, viewing any lingering in bed as lazy and irresponsible. Thankfully, through all the shadow work I’ve immersed myself in, I’ve since learned to embrace, own and integrate those disowned parts of myself. I now listen to my body — respecting and responding to its real-time rhythms instead of holding it to the rigid, sterile standard I used to.

The same has happened in relation to exercise.

After years of relentless and rigorous training, I now let my body decide when and how it wants to move.

Allowing sleep and movement to flow naturally honors my alive desires instead of defaulting to auto-pilot by operating on old, outdated rules that no longer serve me. Here on the brink of turning 50, I’m more forgiving and accepting of my body than I have ever been. And no longer fighting that fight has made all the difference.

Schedule play and productivity

Growing up, I never had much appreciation or reverence for play. In fact, I used to think that happiness and fun were for other people. I found play a waste of time, and believed that people who engaged in it were lazy or not on a serious path. I have since learned that play is not at all frivolous — it’s actually vital and healing. Especially when I work hard and play hard, choosing to balance workaholism and diligence with loving life and laughing.

Everything that needs to get done will get done. It always does. Always.

Time and time again I have proven this to myself, yet it’s taken me years to really believe it. So much energy I’ve wasted in stress, procrastination and worry by trying to force myself to do this or that. Endlessly punishing myself by not allowing any fun in until I had produced. Or worse finding myself in the midst of adventures and activities, doing fun things yet not having any of the fun myself.

And then I discovered there was more to life than working all the time. {gasp}

Now I do what nourishes my soul first, knowing that I’ll be much more creative and efficient once I’ve gotten my blood flowing by hiking, running, riding my bike, skiing, etc. Productivity feeds off of play — make your play work for you.

Befriend frustration

Sometimes our fiercest frustrations reward us with our greatest gifts. Once we surrender our willfulness. Here’s what I mean.

I’m not going to go into the long drawn out story of calls and chats with Apple support, followed by Genius Bar visits. I will spare you the part about one tech having me do some “troubleshooting steps” that actually resulted in my computer being more screwed up than it was when I began, ultimately having me go to the Genius Bar empty-handed, due to being in the midst of an epic 60+ hour “Erase and Restore from Time Capsule” that had my devices otherwise engaged. And I’m definitely not going to tell you that even when I asked said Genius for a another appointment — one that was sooner than the next available online in 48 hours later — with a straight-up, outright request for the appointment they must be saving for Obama, should he be in the area with an immediate mac-mergency, the Genius said, “I’m sorry but no, we’re not holding anything for him.”

I didn’t actually believe him and don’t like to take “No” for an answer, but he was sweet and helpful and I trusted his advice since it’s what he said he’d do in my situation. Maybe they always say that, but I found a bit of solace in it. I mean really, at that point, what was I to do given that my laptop — and essentially the contents of my entire life — had been deleted and was now receiving a data transfusion (I hope!) from my time capsule backup.

As I left the store I got an instant hit that I really did have a choice about what thoughts to think which would, in turn, affect how I was feeling.

In that moment I chose to envision my computer completely healed, all data in tact. I decided that I wasn’t going to spend the rest of the day or weekend feeling frustrated or beating myself up for doing this or not doing that since I have come to learn and accept that I am always doing the very best I can at any given time.

I made up my mind to be kind to myself, remembering how futile it is to stress out about any impending outcome. Que sera, sera… whatever will be, will be… and my worrying certainly won’t help matters. But my positive thoughts can. Or at least they can support me in having a fun-filled weekend of love, hikes, bikes, meaningful connections and conversations, yummy meals! And I even met my writing deadlines after I dug out and dusted off my old Mac PowerBook from 1902.

My system flooded with joy and relief, knowing that I no longer need to choose my old default habit of stewing in a negative funk.

Instead, by accepting what is and surrendering, positivity and peace are just a thought away.

And a wise friend said to me, “So interesting how your computer issues are a metaphor for your life. I think the key word was ‘restore’. When we restore a computer, we reset it to function, often at its original settings. When we ‘restore’ our thinking, we also get a chance to wipe things clean before a fresh start.”

Thankfully, after a few stops and starts, I’m happy to report that the restore worked! My computer is fully up and running in all its glory — with all of my data!

Lesson learned! I’m so grateful I didn’t waste a weekend — or even part of day — and that I really get, on a visceral level, how empowered we all are to create our own experiences by consciously choosing fun over frustration.

Disengage your ‘rally muscle’

By November 2012, I had been the Event Director at Hay House for a decade, without ever taking a week off. Spending an average of two thirds each year on the road — 213 days was my record, and 73-days straight with just carry-on luggage! — I didn’t long for additional travel. And when I was at home, working was an escape from whatever was going on in my personal life.

I had long since maxed out the allotment of vacation days I was allowed to accrue and since I hadn’t cashed any in, I was essentially losing time and money. And then, Hurricane Sandy hit.

After a couple of days being stranded in Pasadena where my last event had been, I made the executive decision to postpone our I Can Do It! New York conference given the excessive flight cancellations and significant venue damage. I scrambled for two days to postpone and reschedule 30 authors and 2500 attendees, and then found myself flying to the most unexpected thing possible ­— a vacation. I let anyone who needed to know that I was going off the grid. I flew to Fresno to meet my man who was just about to make his way back home to Colorado. Roadtrip!!! Spending the next nine days camping and hiking through four National Parks was medicine. Yosemite, Zion, Bryce and Canyonlands changed me.

That trip was a turning point, my first true stepping stone in learning how to let go.

For so long, I feared that if I cut loose, I would completely lose my superpowers of being the one and only one who can get anything and everything done. And if I lost that, who would I be?

What happened is that, instead of allowing myself to sink into the reprieve and truly enjoy it, I spent a lot of time – a lot of time ­– worrying about not wanting to do anything. And worrying about everything that had to be done once I got back to work. I just couldn’t let myself be.

The truth is that I really can’t rally like I used to. Can’t just muscle through it if I don’t want to do it. Some days I really wondered if it would ever come back, that ability to plow full steam ahead into the “doing.” Pretty much all of me thought this was a problem at first. But now that I know struggle and relaxation are critical stages of the flow cycle, I regularly allow myself time to fully disengage my “rally muscle” by embracing unplugged downtime. I’m clear that surrendering to my desires won’t cause me to abandon responsibility, it will help me to flourish instead.

Love yourself in love

After a lifetime of losing myself in love, and living in reaction to others instead of from my own authentic agency, I’m grateful now to be in a supportive, loving, healthy relationship where we each speak our truth and make conscious choices not to lose ourselves.

Finally, I’ve learned to love myself in love.

I’m not saying it’s always easy. Some days my relationship feels like a teaching hospital – we’re clearly learning as we go through the cycle of wounds and healing. Other times I feel like I’ve been enrolled in an Ivy League Ph.D. program without having completed any pre-requisite coursework, or even nursery school for that matter! But more often than not I am actively engaged in allowing myself to feel safe and held and, dare I say, taken care of. This is big and new.

The most important thing I’ve learned is that speaking up in the moment, rather than letting feelings fester, saves a lot of time, anxiety and pain.

Sharing from our hearts creates safety and trust. Skillful, transparent relating cultivates and cares for the intimacy we crave.

Remember to give yourself the gift of your own undivided attention. Take time for stillness and space. And learn to recognize when the relationship requires a particular type of watering that can only be found by putting the needs of the relationship as a whole before the needs of either one of you. Try it. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the depth available here.

When you find yourself out of alignment, it throws everything off. Remember, your inner housekeeping will get you back on track when you are out of whack. Spend some time with these questions, so you can embark upon this New Year with the courageous commitment to begin building the foundation for the life you want to live into.

• How can I be more forgiving and accepting of my body?
• Where can I surrender my willfulness, and allow?
• How can I make my play work for me?
• When will I relax my rally muscle, and be instead of do?
• How will I practice loving myself in love, instead of losing myself in love?

These are just some of the elements that have propelled me into this life I truly love — beyond fear and into freedom and empowerment. You can claim the self-confidence and self-esteem to love and be loved like never before. Be bold by living in right-relationship to your integrity, consistently admitting to yourself what you already know to be true.

Ultimately, it is all about a restore to our original setting. Before the armor, the mask and the cape. Before we felt the need to hide any aspect of ourselves to be loved. Before we believed we weren’t enough. Ultimately, it’s a restore to wholeness.

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whole (a poem)

while the healing navigates

the map my heart and mind makes,

it’s the radiating rhythm

of vibration and stillness

that now allows me

to receive what hides

and translate all there is to see.

this journey to knowing,

deep in my essence,

that i am loved.

no matter what i do or don’t do,

even if i don’t do anything i will be loved.

but to believe, i needed courage.

i found it in my body.

my body,

a treasure chest,

its cellular secrets under lock and key

until the moment they were ready to be freed.

in the body

love first develops as hunger.

these walls have cellular memory.

there is a haunting here.

tight fitting skin,

barely wrapping bones

in dehydrated desert conditions

are infused with vitality

fleshed out and expanded

nourished and recalibrated

buoyant.

sensation returning and there,

my breath still held,

i felt full for the first time.

my power is very confusing.

and although my legs just want to run

i can feel my feet begin to find their roots,

sourcing safety for my strength.

i found my grounding

and what feeds me

in asking for help

from an intuitive hand.

my body,

once a fortress,

now begs for entry

and re-entry.

the thaw begins like this,

after being frozen in place

for so long,

waves of flame and prayer

release me,

finally locating the passage

from my heart,

revealing the way to healing.

and so in the softening,

i learn that love

presents in many forms:

in flames on candles carried

in kisses and wishes of peace

in snow surrounding a mountain waterfall.

my body melts

outside its lines.

my thoughts,

my own

for the first time.

and as pieces of me

return or arrive,

desire alone senses

the rise and fall

of what’s alive

inside.

and now,

stripped of all

i once defined

myself by,

it takes only a moment

to notice

i have always been

whole.

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