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Establishing boundaries around your time and commitments is a self-care practice that leads to greater freedom, integrity and alignment
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We all know we can give too much and do too much for others. So often we respond reflexively to a request which can lead to taking on too much. Does this sound familiar? Have you said yes to doing something at someone’s request and regretted it later? While saying yes can make you feel needed and valued, saying it too often can lead to taking on more than you can handle and feeling overwhelmed.
Many of us have trouble saying no because we think it’s not okay to disappoint others, or we are concerned about what others will think. We are easily blown off course by the winds of others’ expectations, or our own insecurities.
Learning to say no is an acquired skill that has to be cultivated. The more you say it, the easier it becomes. The easier it gets, the less guilty you’ll feel. First, it’s important to decide on the criteria you’ll use so your choices are not based on guilt or obligation. Determining what you are not going to commit your time and energy to will make it easier to say no. When you are clear about what things you will not do, they should be nonnegotiable. You have to be willing to disappoint others to honor your commitment to yourself.
You have the right to say no—and you don’t have to be overly apologetic.
When you say no it affirms that you know your needs matter too. Being able to say no means you have divested yourself from believing your worth is tied to how much you give. By giving yourself permission to say no you get to do more of the things that really matter to you. When you’ve filtered out the things that matter least, you have more time to say yes to the things that are most important to you. Before you say yes make sure there it is not at a significant cost to you. It may help to consider asking yourself these questions before acquiescing to a request:
- It is important?
- Am I the only one who can do it?
- Is it something I want to do?
- Would my heart be in this?
- Would I be doing it for the right reasons?
When you choose your yeses mindfully, then you can say yes with utmost certainty, sincerity, and enthusiasm. As is usually the case, the first step in learning to say no is to pause to create a gap between your automatic reaction and a discerned response. It gives you time to reflect and make the decision that’s the best course of action for you.
Here are 10 strategies you can use to soften the impact and help you say no with confidence and conviction.
10 Strategies for Saying No
1. Don’t say maybe when you know you want to say no.
If you do, it will just drag it on. You’ll keep feeling the pressure. Take a few deep breaths. This will give you a chance to collect your thoughts so you can decline graciously.
2. If you’re unsure in the moment, buy yourself some time.
Remind yourself that you always have a choice. Allow yourself enough time to reflect on what the request entails and what impact it will have on you. Just say, “I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” (Or longer if it’s not urgent.)
3. Go with your gut feeling.
Say what’s true for you. For example, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and I just can’t do another thing.”
4. Be authentic.
Authenticity is being honest with yourself and not letting externally-imposed expectations govern your actions. You might say, “Unfortunately, I’m not able to at this time. I’m running on empty right now.”
5. Show your willingness to be vulnerable.
When you’re being vulnerable, you’re not afraid to reveal what you are really feeling. Try saying something like, “I’m mentally exhausted and I’m worried that taking on another commitment just might put me over the edge.”
6. Respond with empathy for the situation the person is in.
You might say, “I know you’re in a tough spot, but I’m overcommitted.”
7. Make a lesser commitment.
Make another offer that is less of a commitment. You might say something similar to, “I can’t commit to every Thursday, but I can do this Thursday.”
8. Create an alternative you can say yes to.
Shift the response from a no to something you won’t do, to a yes to something you are willing to do. For example, “I can’t do that, but here’s what I can do…”
9. Suggest another way to get help.
Say something like, “Maybe there’s another way to accomplish what you want. Have you thought about trying…”
10. Express what can happen in the future.
Try saying, “Next time, I’ll be able to help out because I will have a few things off my plate.”
If you’ve been in a “yes” role for quite some time, others may think they can put the pressure on and you’ll fold. If your carefully-constructed no gets pushed back on, don’t waver or try to defend your response—that will only make the person push harder. By staying resolute and refusing to be persuaded into doing something you don’t want to do, you’ll be training others that you mean it. Don’t let anyone take away your power of choice.
If this list seems overwhelming, you might want to just pick the one that resonates the most with you and start with that one until you get more comfortable saying no. You’ll be surprised how rarely an authentic, vulnerable, or empathetic response elicits a challenge. Saying what’s true for you without blame or judgment is often all it takes to have your no accepted with grace.
Learning to say no is a sign of self-respect. When you stop sacrificing your needs to do what others expect you to do, you’ll reduce stress, get more done that’s meaningful to you, and have a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Maybe this quote by Paulo Coelho, author of the well-known book, The Alchemist, will remind you to honor your right to say no:
“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.”
You may also enjoy reading Owning Your ‘No’: A Simple Process for Reclaiming Your Clarity & Power, by Gia Storms.
