Learning to Make a Home in Myself After Years of Making Homes in Others

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

After years of seeking wholeness and worthiness through her relationship with others, one woman finally learns to find those within

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“Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Tinder,” I read once in someone’s dating bio. There was nothing I related to more for a decade of dating.

The worst of it was in 2016 when I could be found with six dating apps on my phone — ranging from Tinder to the sapphic dating app, Her. With a frantic and desperate energy, I was swiping for hours a day and going on three dates a week, whether I was even interested in the person or not. I felt it was purely a numbers game, and the higher volume of people I pursued, the better my chances. I took no consideration of what this was doing to my wellbeing and self-esteem, and seeking “the one” left me in shambles when dating didn’t work out.

There was James. We went on three dates, but he ended things with me after I made a concerning comment about how I couldn’t be friends with men because I’d fall in love with them or sleep with them. I was a walking red flag. He knew this, but I did not. When he broke it off, I went into a spiral.

Call it sex and love addiction, trauma responses, or unhealthy patterns — the way I was relating to others was all wrong.

I wrote a memoir about how these patterns influenced my relationships and self-esteem. Titled Make a Home Out of You: A Memoir, it’s a story of making homes in people, substances, and behaviors instead of myself.

Here’s an excerpt from the first chapter that illustrates my struggles:

“I spent the next few hours swiping through pictures of people of all genders, starting conversations, and making plans. James had rejected me (in a text!), but in under a minute, I’d started looking for my next pair of lips, the next lap, the next loving arms. As usual, I was desperate to try to make a home, somewhere, anywhere. I was searching in other people for a loving place to live, preferably forever. I wanted someone to provide me with the safety, warmth, and love that a house filled with people was supposed to provide. I never wanted to feel like I was out in the cold, alone. That was my worst nightmare. I wanted to be bundled in someone’s arms by their fireplace, with them holding everything together for me. I thought this would make me feel whole, which was a feeling I was often missing.”

The turning point when I finally got sick of my own shit was when I was texting and hanging out with a married coworker, in the middle of my dating app frenzy, in a way that felt like an emotional entanglement. The tension built over months through boundary-less texting and confiding in one another. The second I realized I wanted to sleep with him — and would if given the chance — was when I knew something needed to shift.

I was defeated. I felt broken and bad. I didn’t know how to fix the mess I was in.

The Healing Journey

Healing wasn’t an overnight process. I found initial solace in 12-step programs like Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous, where I began to piece myself back together, brick by brick. These programs were the foundation of constructing a home within myself — a home that didn’t rely on someone else to fix my shattered self-esteem.

Taking a break from dating was crucial. I turned my focus inward, journaling every day, and taking myself on dates. I learned to enjoy my own company and to be content with just being me. It wasn’t just the 12-step programs that helped; it was also mental health interventions, including therapy, medications, and hospitalizations. I also sought treatment for my eating disorder and immersed myself in hobbies and communities that helped me connect to myself.

By the end of my memoir, three years after the 2016 bottom, I had found a sense of peace. Here’s an excerpt that captures this transformation:

“I recognize my courage when I catch myself obsessing about a stranger on the bus or feeling an urge to reach out to exes but use my bravery to choose a different path. And I revel in how much I’ve learned. Instead of trying to make a home in someone else, I can choose to build my own home from materials that will last. The floor will be constructed with my self-respect, self-acceptance, and self-love. The walls, from the support of friends, twelve-step fellows, mentors, therapists, and sponsors. The roof, from my self-forgiveness, knowing that while I needed to do much better than I was doing, at the time I was always doing the best I could. The fireplace will burn with my determination to never again accept the unacceptable, not from myself or from anyone else. And from now on, I’ll be honest with myself about whether a door I’m about to open is a healthy one or one that should remain forever closed. It’s with a contented sigh that I realize I now have the wisdom to know the difference.”

Now, my mental health is a priority, whether I’m dating, single, or in a relationship. I am committed to being a whole person, one who does not need another to fix or complete me. Prioritizing self-love and building my own self-esteem has shown me that I have this sturdy home in myself.

Whether it’s addiction, unhealthy patterns, or something else entirely, many people struggle with maintaining healthy relationships with themselves and others. If you’re one of those people,

know that you’re not alone. The journey to healing is challenging, but nothing beats being committed to never taking a break from your own mental wellbeing.

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You may also enjoy reading Practice You | Coming Home to Your Inner Self Through Journaling, by Elena Brower.