Estimated reading time: 10 minutes
Even when addiction destroys your life, the power to recover is within you; these 10 principals can help you rebuild your life as they did for me
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Have you ever hit rock bottom and lost everything? Has the reality of what you have been choosing in your life and what it was destroying ever hit you right between the eyes? That’s a big yes for me, but let’s back up a bit.
I started drinking at the age of 14. Born into an emotionally tumultuous home and raised in the rough-and-tumble world of Australian machismo, alcohol was a way to numb everything that I hated about my life and provided an escape from the intensity of the world. Eventually I became a single father and was miserable in a career as a tradesman on the Sunshine Coast. Fast forward a few years, through a series of events, my life got drastically better. I held a senior position in a thriving global organization. I had financial security, enjoyed worldwide travel and adventure, and received accolades and adoration from many.
Even amid a lifestyle that many would envy, there was this feeling of unworthiness. This sense of not being good enough, not belonging anywhere, started very early on because I had the point of view that I was less than everyone around me. I concluded that if I showed up as who I actually am, nobody would like me, so I spent a whole lot of time trying to create an image of myself that matched how I thought people should see me. When they started to see me as the image I had created, which led to fame and everyone praising and talking about me, that incessant, insidious feeling of not being good enough did not go away. There was a nagging sense that I was an imposter and only loved for the man I pretended to be.
Re-enter that good ol’ numbing, avoiding, escaping ‘friend’ — alcohol. It didn’t take long for my relationship with alcohol to ruin my career, destroy my closest relationships, and create public humiliation.
Hitting rock bottom was a serious wake-up call and I knew that the future I was going to live depended solely on me.
What was I going to choose? Was I going to stay at rock bottom and spend the rest of my days with a bottle in my hand? Was I going to jump back in and try and reconstruct an image so I could continue to hide from my past and the constant state of judging myself and feeling less than? Or was I going to choose something different? I knew that if I wanted a different outcome, I had to make a different choice, so I landed different.
No more focus on image, it was time for vulnerability, time to strip myself bare and face my true self. Walking this path of sobriety has not been easy and yet each day I’m finding a strength and seeing sobriety as a gift and a rediscovery of me. Perhaps you can see yourself somewhere in my story. The facts may not be the same, but the substance might be.
If you have struggled with addiction of one kind or another, have hit rock bottom at some time in your life or maybe even find yourself there now, it is never too late to choose something different for your life and your future.
Rising from the ashes is a choice that each of us can make. Having walked this path, if my struggle, humiliation and ultimately the things I have learned along the way can contribute to even one of you, I am grateful.
Here are 10 things I have learned that literally have changed my entire life, along this path of sobriety.
1. You Are Not Wrong
When someone struggles with addiction, underneath there is strong self-judgment. An important first step in recovery is recognizing that you are not wrong. If you have felt wrong your entire life, would you take a moment and let that in? You are not wrong. You may have made some choices that were unkind to you and others, your addiction may have created a lot of crap in your life, but that does not mean that you as a person are fundamentally flawed — and getting rid of that nagging sense of wrongness is an important part of moving forward.
A great question that you can ask if you are stuck in judging yourself is one that I learned from Access Consciousness, “What’s right about me that I am not getting?” This question disrupts the negative thought patterns of what you have decided is wrong with you. Now, what gratitude can you have for you?
2. You Have the Strength to Get Through This
Addiction makes you believe there is something stronger than you. That something outside of you has a greater power than you and if you believe this lie you will stay stuck in addiction. Please get this! You DO have the strength you need to get through. Some days you may have to reach down deep to find it, but it is there.
Is there a person in your life that encourages you when you need it? Reminds you that you’ve got this when you aren’t sure you do? When you start to question whether you have what it takes, reach out to someone who has your back. If you don’t have a person like that, ask the Universe, God or whatever angels you have in your court for one to show up! Might sound simple, but ‘ask and receive’ works in weird and surprising ways.
3. Choose Kindness for YOU and your Body
Rising from the ashes does not come from being hard on yourself. Yes, there is work to do. Yes, there are uncomfortable things to face. And choosing kindness for you and your body creates a space where it is easier to let things go.
The next time you get stressed or something shows up that you wish to avoid, and you feel that pull to reach for the bottle or some other form of distraction, pause, take a moment and ask, “What could I do right now that would be kind and nurturing to me?”
4. Move Your Body
Sitting at home in isolation creates the perfect environment to drink. Get up and get out! Move your body. Go to the ocean or someplace in nature. Work out. Run. From the beginning of my commitment to sobriety, I have tried many different things to connect myself to my body and to be present. One of those things was taking Latin dancing lessons. This required me to get out of isolation, move my body and learn something new.
5. Take an Honest Look at Yourself
Alcoholics Anonymous calls it a personal inventory and this one takes some courage. We can be very good at lying to ourselves, to have excuses to keep our addiction going. I personally had to look at where I was not kind to myself or others, where I had decided I was too different or wrong to expose myself, where I had lied — and rather than avoiding all these things, I owned what was true and asked myself, “What would I like to choose now?”
Addiction gives us an escape from the things we wish to avoid, but what we avoid we are stuck with. On the other hand, when we are present with those things, no matter how painful or ugly, then those things begin to lose their hold on us. No matter how difficult your past, it does not define you. You ALWAYS have a different choice and what you choose now creates your future.
6. Let Go of Blame
When you dive into being honest with yourself about the things that are tripping you up, it can be easy to go into blaming others. There is a line in a song by Noah Kahan, “I’m still angry at my parents for what their parents did to them.” That about sums it up. Recognize that most people do the best they can with the tools they have at the time. And, most of all, whether it is abuse, someone not liking you, someone misunderstanding you or any other difficult thing, IT IS NOT PERSONAL. It actually has nothing to do with you. You’ll discover much freedom when you get this!
7. Regain People’s Trust — Including YOU!
Addiction inevitably leads to damaged relationships and one of the 12 steps is to make amends where possible. Making amends and regaining trust starts with you. Where have you been unkind to you? What have you decided is wrong with you that isn’t? You are a gift. You are unlike anyone else on the planet and that doesn’t make you wrong, it makes you phenomenal. Ask, “How can I have my own back? How can I trust myself?”
From there, have a look at the relationships that you would like to rebuild based on trust. It will take some time. Reach out and apologize where you can. Ask, “What can I do to make up for the damage done?”
8. Like Yourself
For the first time ever, I am starting to like myself. I’m not the piece of shit that I thought I was. Ironically, I was on stage facilitating people to be as great as they are, and to see themselves as the gift they are — then I would get off stage and didn’t believe it was possible for me to have that for my own life. I didn’t see the value of myself. Addiction is the lie you use to eliminate the gift of you.
How much time and energy do you put into what people think about you? Wanting them to like you? To have high regard for you? What if you let that go and made liking you the priority?
The next time someone is upset with you or judging you in a negative way, what if rather than needing to change their mind or agreeing with their point of view or fighting against it, you took a moment, got present with yourself and chose to be vulnerable instead?
Vulnerable does not mean doormat. Rather, vulnerability is, “I like me, and I have nothing to prove or defend or fight. I simply get to be.” Learning to like you may not happen overnight. That is ok. Be gentle with yourself and keep going.
9. Rediscover Your Gifts
In the process of cleaning out the baggage that you have likely been carrying around for a long time, you will discover that there is room to add new things into your life. What are you good at that you may have stopped doing? Where are you creative?
Dust off that old guitar that hasn’t been picked up in forever. Pull out those hiking shoes shoved in the back of the closet. Bring out the cookbook you used to try new recipes from. Whatever it is for you, do it! Life is meant to be enjoyed and one of the gifts of sobriety is recognizing that alcohol or other substances are no longer required because you no longer need to escape. Now you get to live!
10. Inspire Others
Whether you know it or not, when you commit to changing your life, when you choose to be vulnerable with yourself and others, when you face the hard stuff and keep going, you become an inspiration to others. Most people facing addiction believe they are alone. Your choices for you and your life demonstrates to others who are struggling that they are not alone. You inspire and offer strength. Someone recently texted me to say she was going to jump off a balcony, as she felt hopeless, but then she saw one of my videos on social media and she decided to choose differently.
YOU make this kind of difference too! When you choose more for you, we all benefit.
If something has control over you, whether it be alcohol or any other form of addiction, ask yourself, “Is this working for me, or would I like something different?” If you would like something different, it IS possible. Recognize that this has control over you and is unmanageable in this moment, AND you have a choice. No matter how insurmountable recovery may seem, you can get there, and your choice creates the way.
There have been many times during my journey of sobriety that I wanted to quit. If that occurs or if something comes up, you feel stressed and have an overwhelming impulse to reach for a drink, stop and take a moment. Be present with what is easier to avoid and ask, “What would actually be nurturing for me right now?” and do that.
Whatever you are addicted to is not stronger than you. You’ve got this. And, in the words of Emily McIntire in the book Hooked, “Just remember that whenever things feel bleak, all situations are temporary. It’s not your circumstance that determines your worth, it’s how you rise from the ashes after everything burns.”
You may also enjoy reading Learning from Addiction: Unexpected Costs and Long-Term Effects, by Trevor McDonald.
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