Soulmates: We May Have Many, But Finding Them Begins with Self-Love

Relationships with soulmates can transform you into a better version of yourself. But first you need to heal what is broken inside you

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Soulmates are those people who come into our lives to add to our soul’s journey. They help us grow, learn, and evolve. There’s a common myth that we only have one soulmate, but this simply isn’t true.

The truth is that we have several soulmates because soulmates can be family members, soulmates can be friends, soulmates can be ex-lovers, and soulmates can be our current partners. There’s such freedom in this reality.

Because we have more than one soulmate, we no longer have to hold onto one person thinking they’re the only soulmate for us. We no longer have to stay in unfulfilling relationships, thinking our current partners are the only soulmates we will ever have. Since we have more than one soulmate, we can have less attachment to the person we think will always be our only one and instead place more focus on ourselves and our journey of growth through relationships.

People act as mirrors to our deeper, sometimes unconscious, selves. 

Like attracts like, and as a result, we attract soulmates that reflect our deeper, innermost, beliefs about ourselves, and love. When it comes to soulmates, if we somehow don’t find ourselves lovable, we attract soulmates that make us feel even more unlovable. If we don’t think we are worthy of true love and fulfilling relationships, we attract soulmates who show us empty love, or no love at all. If we think we aren’t attractive enough, we attract soulmates who make us feel even more unattractive. 

I saw this play out within my own romantic relationships. Many years ago, I was in a relationship with a soulmate named Matthew. We met before I began doing any work on myself, or any real self-exploration. I still had false beliefs about myself and relationships that were totally unconscious and unhealthy. 

Because of this mentality, I attracted a soulmate who had all the characteristics of a sociopath.

At the time I didn’t know what narcissism was. I fell for Matthew’s charm and believed him when he told me that we were soulmates. He told me we were supposed to be together; he told me he had been waiting for me his entire life. He told me he was in love with me and that no one has ever understood him like I do. I thought we had a special soulmate connection that was ordained from the heavens.

After months passed, however, everything changed. Matthew became verbally, emotionally, and spiritually abusive. He became controlling. He was dishonest. Just about every trait you would never want in a partner, Matthew had. I thought: “If he’s my soulmate, why is this relationship so terrible? Why am I hurting all the time? Why does he treat me so badly?”

For several months, I went through the cycle of abuse with Matthew. He would hurt me, then apologize, things would be good for a little while — then he’d hurt me again and we’d go through the same cycle, over and over again. I stayed with Matthew, falsely believing it was worth it to keep my one-and-only soulmate. But Matthew was dragging me down, and the vibrant, optimistic, fun-loving person I once was had been slipping away from me. I wrongfully thought that because he was my soulmate, if I stayed with him, everything would work out in the end.

After enough abuse I eventually walked away. I did learn some very valuable lessons through our connection, however:

I learned what I needed to learn. I learned how to stand up for myself. I learned to set boundaries. I learned to walk away from hurt and abuse. I learned love doesn’t hurt.

The next soulmate I met was a guy named Eugene who treated me a lot better than Matthew. Eugene and I picked out a place for our wedding and talked about our future family. Little did I know, the love Eugene had for me was just as empty as Matthew’s. 

When I left Eugene, I knew something wasn’t right. I realized there wasn’t something wrong with them;  there was something within me that needed to change.

Ending my relationship with Eugene caused me to go within for the answers to figure out what I was doing to attract these guys who intended, from the very beginning, to hurt me. What was making me fall for them? Why was I having such a hard time with my relationships? That’s when I realized that I was  lacking self-love. It was a belief that I wouldn’t be okay on my own because I needed someone to take care of me. It was classic co-dependency. 

Fortunately, I came to understand that the secret to healing those things — self-love — would free me from my cycle of bad relationships.

I became determined to love myself. I decided not to date for a while because it was time to focus on me and only me! So, I went on a journey of deep healing. I read books, got a mentor, and did everything I could to find and love ME. As a result, I uncovered my limiting beliefs about love and worked on healing them. 

I reflected on the reasons why I stayed in these relationships. With Matthew it was attention — so I gave myself the attention I needed. With Eugene it was security — so I built my own security.

During this process, a man named Brian reappeared in my life. I was focusing solely on me, and the great thing about Brian was, so was he. We were both on our own journeys toward radical self-love and self-actualization. We became friends, and then our connection turned into something more because he truly cares for me — something I hadn’t experienced before. With Brian, instead of learning lessons through pain and abuse, I expand with his love and support. Brian is now the love of my life. He is another one of my soulmates, but a soulmate on a whole new level. 

So how did things turn around so quickly?

How did I go from the worst of the worst, to best of the best? I changed. I began loving, and accepting, myself. 

I set boundaries. I reevaluated what I would accept and what I wouldn’t. I realized my worth and that I don’t need anyone to make me happy; I am happy on my own. Once I elevated my standards and changed my thinking, the people I attracted into my life changed.

We learn the most about ourselves through relationships with others. But not all soulmates are meant to be in our life forever. Some stay, and some go… and when they go, someone even better takes their place.

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You may also enjoy reading 8 Simple Yet Transcendent Strategies to Practice Deeper Self Love by Dana Bodenheimer